When I was little I wasn't really this believer in super heroes, or this girl who saw the world in array of colors, but one thing I guess I had in common with most girls my age was…I was attached to my father's hip. I was definitely daddy's little girl, and how funny is it that one dramatic change can alter you.
Growing up I loved my father, he was everything to me. I couldn't believe how hard he worked to keep our family together. He seemed to go from job to job because it wasn't enough to provide for us. His days seemed to be so long…He'd work late into the night and would be there for you in the morning. I remember one night I had seen a portion of Nightmare on Elm Street and couldn't sleep. I cried and cried, but mom just told me to go back to bed…I waited for my dad to get home, and around one o'clock he came in and found me crying… All he had to do was hug me and I could finally sleep.
I remember every Friday we'd wait by the window for dad to come home with food from whatever fast food restaurant we'd be eating from, and how happy he looked when we ran up to him. Or how on his days off we'd all lay on my water bed and hide from the tickle monster, and once he got tired of trying the "Steam Roller" would come out and there was no avoiding being crushed, but you were too busy laughing to care that you felt your insides coming out your nose.
I don't really remember my mom and him fighting…Only the ones that made you wish you were in a different place. I remember wanting to be in the middle of the forest…Just by myself. It was a painful feeling, but…Nothing in comparison of what was to come with age.
After my mom and dad's divorce I remember for a while I was angry with my mother. I couldn't see my dad do any wrong I guess…Until one night my mother, both my brothers, and myself all sat down and discussed why my dad was always going from job to job…And why he always came home so late…And why him and my mother fought so often. My dad, my hero, was a substance abuser.
Going back and looking at all of it you realize how naïve a child really is. From that point on I lost all respect for my father and a form of self hatred was born. I thought to myself, "if I couldn't be important enough for my own father to really want me then whoever would?" I thought if my maybe I could do something, work hard enough, he'd give up the vices for a daughter worth being proud of.
Not too long ago I grew sympathetic for him. I wanted him to get better, but maybe he couldn't. I remember him calling to tell me how proud he was of me…I'd missed the call and only got the message: "Hiya Sammy, baby girl, I just wanted you to know how proud I am of you. I love you." I wish now that I'd kept it.
And that brings me to now…On February 29th my father was found at the Metro Center bus stop. When the ambulance arrived they were unable to revive him. I guess all the years of what went through his body…It finally just quit…What's sad is, I really think he was trying to get better…I know he wanted to. That was last Friday….The police thinking that the hospital would contact my grandparents, and the hospital thinking the police would I didn't find out until last night…He's been gone for a week, and when I should have been mourning, I had no idea.
The most painful part of all, as I've reached the place I am now…Is knowing, that for a period of time I was so angry with someone so helpless. I don't think he'll ever know the extent to which I loved him and how much I wish I could've just had one more moment to tell him that despite everything….In some way….I was proud of him too. For giving a little girl such ambition and appreciation for life…
"I love you daddy."
Despite it all…I loved him every second of the way…
"I'll miss you dad."
God gave him the peace where I couldn't and I know he loves me even still…
I love you….
-In Loving Memory of Larry Keith Payne-
April 12,1959 - Feburary 29, 2008
"When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.
Let it be, let it be, .....
And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,
shine until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be, ..... "
- Mood:
Miserable - Listening to: Let it Be- The Beatles
- Reading: Old Letters
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